Dear Jane,
I’ve kept a life-changing secret from my children for years. Now that they’re teenagers, I’m beginning to worry they will uncover it themselves.
The man they know as their father—the person who raised them from infancy—is not their biological dad.
He was actually the other man in my life while I was still married to my former husband. Our affair began shortly after I had given birth to the children.
I was deeply unhappy in my marriage. When my ex discovered the affair, he threw me out and left me with nowhere to live.
My now-husband took me in, agreed to marry me and raised my two young children as his own. We decided together that they should never be told the truth.
But as they approach adulthood, they’re asking questions I never expected to answer.
It began when they needed to learn their parents’ blood types for a biology assignment. We had no choice but to lie.
Then they discovered an old wedding photograph showing me and my ex. Once again, I lied about the identity of the man in the picture. What happens if they take an ancestry test?
If I tell them the truth, I could destroy everything. They may question their entire childhood and decide they never want to speak to me again.
Would it be so wrong to keep the secret for as long as possible?
Sincerely,
Mom Mistakes
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Mom Mistakes,
Secrets are exhausting at any stage of life. In an era when a person can uncover their genetic history with a few clicks, however, keeping one hidden has become especially difficult.
You are spending your life fearing the day your children discover the truth. That is unfair not only to them, but also to you.
Living this way is not sustainable.
It will almost certainly be painful for your children to learn that you withheld this information for so long. Yet discovering it through an online DNA test would be far more damaging than hearing it directly from you.
They may be angry, and you will have to accept and face that reaction.
I would also stress that your husband is their father in every way that matters. Family is built through love, care and shared history. The fact that he is not their biological parent does not erase that bond.
You and your husband should tell your children together. Explain that you made a mistake by keeping the truth from them, that you believed it was the right choice at the time, and that you now understand they deserve to know.
The situation may be difficult for a while, but your children may eventually understand why you made those decisions—even if they need time before they can do so.
Dear Jane,
My husband has wanted to become a father for as long as I can remember.
He has always talked about how excited he would be to have his own ‘mini me’ and says becoming a parent is something he has dreamed about since he was young.
So when we recently learned that we could not conceive, he was heartbroken. The news was devastating for both of us.
Since then, however, I’ve started to accept that I may never have a biological child.
Having children was never something I had seriously considered until he said he wanted them, so I initially went along with the idea. But this experience has made me realize that I may not want children at all.
He, on the other hand, is devastated. He has been researching adoption and surrogacy and sends me information about them every day.
I don’t know how to tell him what I’ve realized. I cannot imagine him changing his mind about parenthood, and I’m frightened that he will leave me if I admit I no longer want children.
Can our marriage survive this, or are we inevitably heading for divorce?
Sincerely,
Baby Blues
Dear Baby Blues,
I’m struck by the fact that your husband was open about wanting children, while you seem to have simply followed his lead without stopping to consider what you wanted for yourself.
Many women do this. Instead of examining their own hopes and limits, they accommodate a partner’s wishes, only to realize later that they are living a life they would not have chosen independently.
For many people, having children is treated as the automatic next step after marriage, rather than a decision that deserves careful thought.
Realizing that you do not want children is healthy and entirely normal, even if it feels unconventional or difficult to say aloud.
In an unexpected way, this situation may have given you valuable clarity. You now have a better understanding of what you want, although the word ‘might’ suggests that some uncertainty remains.
Ask your husband for time and space to process the diagnosis before making major decisions or discussing every feeling you are having—including your research into other possibilities.
He is emotionally vulnerable right now, so adding another major revelation immediately may be too much for him to absorb.
Adoption or surrogacy would require a significant investment of time, money and emotional energy. You would need to be fully committed, and at present it sounds as though you are not.
That does not necessarily mean you cannot pursue parenthood together, but you both need to explore your feelings honestly and give yourself time to understand your doubts.
If you ultimately decide that you do not want children, the kindest choice may be for both of you to pursue the life that will make you happy.
Should the marriage end, it would not mean your love was a failure. It would mean that you discovered a fundamental difference in the lives you each want to lead.
