These days, almost anyone can be branded a narcissist: a difficult boss, an overbearing mother-in-law or a pushy parent at the school gates. Yet while the term is often casually applied to people we find irritating, recognising genuine narcissistic behaviour in someone close to us—particularly a spouse—can be far more challenging.
Dr Sarah Davies, a counselling psychologist and author of several books on narcissism, including How to Leave a Narcissist for Good, says narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) involves a pattern of traits including limited empathy, an intense need for admiration, arrogance, superiority and grandiosity.
NPD is estimated to affect between 0.5 and 2 per cent of the population, with men accounting for as many as 75 per cent of diagnosed cases.
“Male narcissism more typically presents as openly overt, grandiose and dominant,” Dr Davies says. Tony Baddingham, the shamelessly manipulative character in Rivals, may be a familiar example. But narcissistic behaviour is not always so obvious.
“Covert or vulnerable narcissism can be difficult to identify because it is more subtle. This form is sometimes seen more often in women, although both types occur across genders,” Dr Davies explains. “Covert narcissists may present themselves as victims and use guilt to manipulate others. Their behaviour can also look helpful or supportive, while actually being driven by power and control.”
The warning signs may be hard to detect during the early stages of dating. However, Dr Davies says marriage or having children can be when the façade begins to crack—particularly because the narcissist may then feel they have greater control.
So how can you tell if your husband displays narcissistic traits, and when might it be time to leave? Dr Davies outlines the behaviours to watch for.
Dr Sarah Davies is a counselling psychologist and the author of several books about narcissism, including How to Leave a Narcissist for Good
1. The honeymoon period feels overwhelming
The beginning of a relationship or marriage can naturally be filled with romance and excitement. But Dr Davies says many women mistake emotional intensity for genuine intimacy.
“The early stages of dating a narcissistic man can feel like a dream, and the relationship often moves very quickly,” she says. “During this ‘love-bombing’ phase, the narcissist may shower you with attention, remember personal details, send frequent messages, offer endless compliments and gifts, or make grand promises.”
Once the pursuit ends, however, that warmth can disappear. “The early charm may give way to criticism, undermining, entitlement, bullying and attempts to control you,” Dr Davies says.
2. They support you through a crisis—until they no longer need to
“A narcissist is fundamentally self-focused, so they do not genuinely take your thoughts, opinions, feelings or needs into account,” Dr Davies says.
When a narcissist appears empathetic, there is often a benefit for them—such as winning your trust and establishing control early in the relationship.
“I have often seen narcissists appear when a partner is especially vulnerable, perhaps after a break-up or bereavement,” Dr Davies says. “They present themselves as a ‘knight in shining armour’. But once they have secured control—through commitment, marriage or children—the mask often begins to slip.”
3. They constantly seek attention
“A narcissistic partner needs a steady stream of praise, attention and admiration,” Dr Davies says. They may boast about something they have done in the hope of receiving compliments, or respond with the silent treatment when they feel overlooked. Either way, guilt and attention become sources of emotional fuel.
This behaviour is closely tied to entitlement. Narcissists see themselves as exceptional and therefore expect to receive special treatment.
“It is one reason I believe so many narcissistic people are unfaithful: it allows them to obtain admiration from several sources,” Dr Davies adds.
4. They refuse to apologise
Whether they have forgotten an anniversary or left the heating running, a narcissistic husband is unlikely to offer a sincere apology.
“In the narcissist’s mind, problems are always someone else’s responsibility. They do not accept genuine personal accountability,” Dr Davies says.
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“They tend to frame every conflict as ‘you and your fault’, while insisting that whatever you do is never enough. This can lead their partners to believe they are the problem or should be trying harder. Over time, partners of narcissists often become emotionally exhausted and burnt out.”
5. They distort events—or blame your hormones
When challenged, a narcissist may become defensive, deny what happened or attempt to gaslight their partner.
“They may say, ‘That never happened’ or ‘You’re being too sensitive’. They can flatly deny conversations or present an entirely different version of events,” Dr Davies explains.
“A more covert narcissist may disguise gaslighting as concern. They might say, ‘Perhaps it’s your mental health’, ‘You’re exhausted and not thinking clearly’ or ‘It’s your hormones’. This can cause serious psychological damage, leaving you questioning your judgment and even your own sanity.”
Tony Baddingham, played by David Tennant in Rivals, is an example of an overt narcissist
6. They insist on being in control
Control lies at the heart of narcissistic behaviour. “It can be obvious and direct, with a partner being told what they can or cannot do,” Dr Davies says. “Or it can be subtle and coercive, involving money, where you go, what you wear or who you are allowed to spend time with.”
To reinforce that control, the narcissist may create dependence—psychologically, emotionally or financially. Punishment can also be used to make a partner comply.
“A common pattern includes withdrawing, sulking or imposing the silent treatment until you give in or they get what they want,” Dr Davies adds. “Criticism, undermining and supposedly playful teasing can serve the same purpose.”
When is it time to leave the relationship?
“Narcissistic abuse is often described as ‘invisible abuse’ because it develops gradually,” Dr Davies explains. “That can make it difficult to recognise at first, and many people only see the full pattern once the situation has become severe.”
The crucial step is to look for repeated patterns and cycles. A husband may have narcissistic traits without having NPD, but someone capable of a healthy relationship can reflect on their behaviour and work to change it. A narcissist, by contrast, may promise to improve without ever following through.
“In a difficult but healthy marriage, conflict and disagreement can still involve accountability on both sides. Both people can take responsibility for their feelings and communication, meet one another halfway, and make space for repair,” Dr Davies says. “With narcissism, the imbalance is persistent. The relationship is organised around the narcissist’s wants and needs.”
What, then, could indicate that it is time to consider ending the relationship?
“Ask yourself whether your boundaries are respected and whether your voice and feelings matter,” she says. “Can he accept responsibility for his actions, or does he blame you and everyone else? Do you feel safe enough to be yourself, or are you constantly anxious and stressed, walking on eggshells and trying to manage your partner’s mood?”
Above all, Dr Davies advises people to listen to their instincts. “So many women tell me that, looking back, they had a bad feeling but ignored it. If something feels wrong, pay attention to that feeling. It may be warning you.”
How can you leave a narcissistic husband safely?
“If there is emotional abuse, coercive control—which is a criminal offence—or a fear of retaliation, prioritising safety is essential,” Dr Davies says.
“In some situations, specialist support from an experienced psychologist, agency or support service may be needed. Legal advice or police involvement may also be appropriate.” Women’s Aid and Refuge offer help to women experiencing domestic abuse, including coercive control.
“With this kind of invisible abuse, it is important to tell a trusted, understanding and supportive person what has been happening,” Dr Davies continues. “Preparing for financial independence may also be important. Think about digital safety too: change passwords, add PINs to your phone and disable location sharing where necessary.
“Ultimately, establishing clear and appropriate boundaries is vital both during the relationship and after separation.”
Call the freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247
